Remembrance Day

It snowed this weekend. In two days we got more snow than we did all of last winter. And just like every other year, this first snowfall means lots of work for Jim.  Cross country skiers are not a patient bunch, and they don't care if the ski centre is open or not, they want to ski! Jim really needed some help and while my plans were to spend a snowy Saturday cleaning and baking, I had mercy on him and agreed to help. I piled on the warm layers, dug out my snow boots and got ready for a long, cold day. 

There is a quiet rhythm to working outside in the winter and it is easy to get lost in one's thoughts. As I worked, I started thinking of when Jim and I were first married. We were flat broke and we did all that we could to get ahead. Jim would help me clean apartments and I would help him at the ski centre. Either way, it was hard work and we were cold and damp or sweaty and gross, depending on the season. Cleaning up filth or packing snow, we did what we had to do.

I don't know how we ever made it through those first couple of years. It seems so long ago - when really it isn't - but we have come a long way. 

Saturday was a fun day for us with plenty of laughter and silliness. I'm glad I went and helped, instead of staying home alone. Working together, the way we used to, reminded me of all the reasons I love my husband and why we make such a good team.

Morning

I saw the seagulls this morning circling in the early light.
As they soared above me I saw their underbellies gleaming,
As pink as the clouds that made their way across my sky.
The geese that flew away shown pink as well,
Seemingly Lit from within.
Brief and ephemeral.
But the crows that came to visit me were black as night.
And only the crows have stayed to keep me company.

Doing What I Can

Last night, before I could get my brain to 'turn off', I was thinking that there seem to be two kinds of people in this world.
The first group of people are able to see their own shortcomings and are trying to become a better person. People who are traveling the same path as I am; a path that is, hopefully, leading to better self-awareness and a more mindful existence.

The second group of people stand firm in their beliefs and will not bend and will not grow. They do not see themselves as people who are capable of making mistakes (and therefore cannot learn from them). The type of people who wait for the opportunity to scream "I'm right! I'm right! ha ha you are wrong!" They take such glee in seeing another's misfortune. These are the kind of people who scream at others in order to make their point.

The latter group are not the kind of people I want to be around. I want to be around those who are changing and evolving and learning from themselves and the world around them.

it is hard to keep yourself grounded. It is hard to be real. Every day I find myself getting caught by the old traps, getting stuck in old ways of thinking. Sometimes I find myself imagining the worst outcome before the trip has even started. But then I pull myself out, into the light, and refocus. At least I try to!

There I was, last night, having these thoughts and then this morning I check in on my favorite blogger, Jon Katz at Bedlam Farm, and find this great quote:

“No matter how scared, or tired, or ill you are; no matter how lost, or confused, or desperate you become; no matter how lonely, depressed or cranky you feel…if you just do what you can, with what you have, from right where you are, it will always be enough.”

- The Law Of Relevance,” the Universe of Mike Dooley

And that, my friends, are words to live by.

These flowers are doing all they can!

An update on our recent visitor, sadly he could not be saved and passed away.
Be free, my brief friend, fly away into the sun.

Crows, by Mary Oliver

From a single
grain they have
multiplied.
When you look
in the eyes of
one
you have seen
them all.

At the edges of
highways
they pick at limp
things.
They are
anything but
refined.

Or they fly out
over corn
like pellets of
black fire,
like overlords.

Crow is crow,
you say.
What else is
there to say?
Drive down any
road,

take a train or
an airplane
across the
world, leave
your old life
behind,

die and be born
again~
wherever you
arrive
they’ll be there
first,


glossy and
rowdy
and
indistinguishable.
The deep
muscle of the
world.

Our visitor

We had an unexpected visitor Monday night. The Mutt was out in the yard and alerted me to his presence. At first, I wasn't sure what was going on, and was a bit spooked. But once I saw him sitting there, on the ground, struggling to move away from me, I knew I had to do something to help him. Immediately, I put the Mutt in the house and called Jim out to help me.

Who was this injured, mystery guest? A beautiful visitor from the sky, a crow. There he sat, staring back at me and Jim and trying to scoot away. It was obvious that this bird could not fly as he was having trouble just hopping. I know we have a very reputable wildlife rehab centre here, so I called them right away. The lady who answered the phone said she was leaving work in just a few minutes and if we could get him into a box, she would come and pick him up. I assured her we could and that would look after him until she arrived.

Jim went and grabbed a chair and parked himself about 5 feet from the bird in black. I went to find a box and a sheet to use to catch him. When I came back out, Jim was still sitting there talking to the bird. One of the things I really enjoy about Jim, is his compassion towards animals. Whenever we see an animal squished on the side of the road, he always reminds me to say a prayer for them. He is such a softy and I love him for it!

The poor bird was desperate to avoid us but was unable to do much more than hop a few feet away and stare at a tree stump. I told him how handsome he was and that he shouldn't worry because help was on its way. He really was quite stunning, his feathers were many shades of blue and black and purple. It's not often that you have the opportunity to look into a crow's eyes and its not something I will soon forget.

The rehab centre employee finally arrived and I explained that I thought he may have been shot with a BB gun. She said they would look after him and that if his injuries could be repaired they would like to release him back into my yard. Apparently, crows have very complex family structures, including cousins and aunts and uncles. Of course I told her we would love to see that happen. I'll have to call them Tuesday and see what was wrong with him and how he is doing. I hope they can fix him up and get him on the mend, he's a brave bird.

I have always loved crows and make it a point to greet them when I see them. If I had to be a bird, I would be a crow. They always make everything seem like a party, even if they are just eating some garbage!

Remember

The path that I am currently on is one that has been building for years. Recently, I was telling a friend that, from the ages of 18 to about 34, I spent more years in therapy than not. Years well spent. And still every day is a journey to me becoming a more patient and forgiving person. Every day I make conscious choices about how I will react to the world around me. Every day I find myself reflecting on how I felt and what I did. Some days are better than others, but, to paraphrase Socrates, is an unexamined life worth living?

I started this blog as an attempt to chronicle my quest to live a more mindful life. It isn't easy to turn the darkness into light, but it is oh so worth it. You have to be alert and be aware of every little thing. Sometimes the light is so bright it blinds you and sometimes it is so dim you can scarcely see it.

I had a dream, a while back, where I was at work and the power went out. I was alone with all these dogs and, for some reason, I was terrified. I remember screaming for help and pleading for the lights to go back on. In the midst of the chaos I yelled out "the light is coming from inside you" over and over. And of course, then I woke up. In that dream the truth was revealed to me. The answer to the questions that plague me appeared and it came from my own lips.

I have a long way to go and I am happy to be traveling, even happier to know that I am not alone on this voyage. Best of all, I was given good directions:

Sometimes, when it is the darkest you have to remember that the light is coming from within yourself.

Pen and Ink

Last night, as I lay in bed, some thoughts that have been rolling around my brain gelled together. I rolled over and grabbed the small memo pad and pen that I keep stashed for moments like this. I didn't want to turn the light on and wake Jim up, so I tried to write carefully and penned a few pages. I had planned on grabbing my notebook this morning and writing up a draft during nap-time at work, but I forgot it on the nightstand.

Imagine my surprise when I grabbed the pad and flipped it open and found just five words instead of three pages. For a moment I thought perhaps I had dreamed the whole incident, as I have been having strange dreams lately (Bill Clinton made an appearance recently). But no, the evidence was there, the beginning of my train of thought, "The journey I am currently..." and then my pen ran out of ink.

How could this have happened? This was the preface to a best-seller and now the words are gone. Straight from the pen, onto the paper and into the universe; invisible thoughts about life and light flowing out into the night.

I'll have to try again, this is something I have been mulling over for a few weeks now. I know it's in there waiting to come out. Tonight, I will make sure the pen has ink.

The sunset holds a promise.