The Christmas Socks

I've been having difficulty keeping my commitment to writing. Part of the issue is I have a tendency to overthink things and part of my inaction stems from an odd sense of guilt I've cultivated over the years. A guilt that snares me and prevents me from moving forward.

Case in point, a foolhardy promise to knit my friends and family socks one Christmas. A promise that went unfulfilled for 3 years. After a while I found myself not wanting to knit anything, because all I could think about was those damn socks. It became paralysing for me. Sounds silly, doesn't it? But this fall, in an ongoing attempt to check things off my mental list, I buckled down. I resolved myself to do it and, even though 3 pairs arrived late, I completed 6 pairs of socks (which may not sound like much, but I can assure you it is). And the first thing I did was to make something for me! I was liberated from myself!

Since then, I have realised that this is a recurring pattern that encompasses small everyday things. Not returning an email or a phone call, not reading bookmarked articles or keeping up to date on a blog. All these small things build up and hold me down and prevent me from "doing". I become mired in the guilt, bogged down and unable to proceed.

In the midst of this revelation, I can see the pattern starting with the creative group I recently joined. There are a lot of members and a stream of notifications letting me know that so and so and 10 others posted in the group. My brain begins to tighten and I start to question myself.

"When will I find time to read all those posts? And comment appropriately? If I can't read all of them, I don't want to read any of them because that isn't fair to the others." Knowing full well that I am under no obligation (except my own self-imposed one) to read them all. So I don't read any and - "oh shit! there goes my phone again, letting me know that Jon and 13 others have posted in the group! How am I going to write anything and post it, expecting feedback, when I haven't read the others' contributions?"

See how I tie myself up? It's hard, but I know that this pattern has to change and I just have to keep working on it. Keep reminding myself of the Christmas socks and how free I felt to be finished. And with that I take another step forward.

It's simple to see that freedom, for every man and woman, lies in the mind's willingness to alter old habits.  First, though, the mind has to hear itself and change the conversation.  - don Miguel Ruiz

 

My little dog leaping into life! She inspires me to be so free.

My Light in the Darkness, redux.

Nearly three years have slid by since my last blog post but the path I travelled then is the same as the one I am currently pursuing. Along the way I suffered a major derailment, one I have kept mostly quiet about, but the journey continues and I like to believe that I am further along the route.
As 2016 approached, I knew I had to continue. I knew I had to listen to the gentle encouragement and I knew I had to start writing again. It would be easier to ignore the quiet voice inside that tells me to write it all down, get it all out on paper and see where it goes. I've put this off long enough, if I am going to be the truest me there isn't much of a choice. Having made the decision to forge ahead and get these words out of my head and onto (virtual) paper, I asked and was accepted into the Creative Group at Bedlam Farm - a creative community of encouragement - where I hope to not only find encouragement, but vital feedback and inspiration.
One of the greatest lessons I have learned over the past three years is that we are all struggling with fears and insecurities, we are all fighting demons inside of us, we are all looking for comfort and contentment and connection. I try to keep that knowledge in the forefront and let it guide me. But as so often happens when one is evolving into their truer self, I stumble and forget. My hope is that as I persevere I might help light the way for others.

Sunday Morning Sadness

Woke up and looked at what a beautiful morning it was and decided I had better take Minnow on a walk. She is always ready for a walk and is getting better on a leash everyday. She is going to be a good partner for me.
We headed out, not sure where we were going, but I knew that I wanted to take some pictures as the hoar frost was thick and the sky was bright and blue. We headed up to the river to see what we could see, and I was snapping pictures all along the way.
The sun was warm and my thoughts began to flow from one thing to the next. And I could hear the soundtrack to this walk start up. And the longer we walked the louder the song got and I began to sing:

Gonna sing you an old country song from the heart 

So I can cry your name and call you when I'm sad

When you have gone, run so far from me in the trees so far

Walkin' down that old country lane, drops of rain

Call upon the ones who call your name

Will I see you again and please just come on back home to me

So I'm not all alone

Gonna sing you an old country song, from the heart

From the strings of this old rusty guitar 

And the walk turned into a meditation on loss and love and how it feels to have your heart still ache three years later. I will always wonder what lesson I am supposed to be learning from Bob's death. The wounds are still so raw and I don't know that I will ever be able to move away from the pain. Why did he leave us all so suddenly and why are we still hanging on?

I cried as I walked and let the tears ease my ache. I was glad for the company of a stubborn dog who refuses my affection, but watches me vigilantly.

It is a beautiful day and while I wish I was spending it in Bobby's garage, I have to make the most of it without him.

Inspect Yourself

I took the dogs out for a mid-afternoon walk today. I expected it to be a great time; the sun was shining, the wind wasn't too strong and temps were above seasonal. Once we got going, nothing seemed to click. The dogs were pulling in opposite directions and I was getting frustrated. Now, I know Minnow can walk well on a leash when she wants to, and PD just has to pee on every damn thing there is to pee on and yet, I found myself getting more and more irritated with them. I was barking commands at them, telling one to hurry up and the other to slow down. Poor PD was getting so confused and at one point she just stopped and wouldn't budge. Can you blame her?

She stopped and looked at me and said I needed to figure things out; that I was the human and why was I making this so difficult? Couldn't I get my shit together? She was right. This was my problem, not theirs. So I took a deep breath and thought about how I wanted things to work. I needed to change my attitude if I wanted things to happen differently. Emotionally, I started this walk over. I was consistent with my expectations of Minnow and gave her clear directions. I praised PD for being such a good walker. Before I knew it I had a dog on either side of me walking perfectly. Minnow is getting it, but needs consistent reminding (and no squirrels to chase).

As with most things, I find that I need to inspect myself when I am becoming frustrated. It took me a long time (along with a fantastic therapist) to learn that lesson. I really need to put it into use more often. It is a good thing that I still have a fantastic therapist - Peter the Dog!

Happy 2013 to my loyal blog readers (I'm looking at you dad!)! One of my New Year's resolutions was to be more consistent in blogging, no more excuses. Expect to see many more entries popping up - I hope at least some of them are thought provoking!

Remembrance Day

It snowed this weekend. In two days we got more snow than we did all of last winter. And just like every other year, this first snowfall means lots of work for Jim.  Cross country skiers are not a patient bunch, and they don't care if the ski centre is open or not, they want to ski! Jim really needed some help and while my plans were to spend a snowy Saturday cleaning and baking, I had mercy on him and agreed to help. I piled on the warm layers, dug out my snow boots and got ready for a long, cold day. 

There is a quiet rhythm to working outside in the winter and it is easy to get lost in one's thoughts. As I worked, I started thinking of when Jim and I were first married. We were flat broke and we did all that we could to get ahead. Jim would help me clean apartments and I would help him at the ski centre. Either way, it was hard work and we were cold and damp or sweaty and gross, depending on the season. Cleaning up filth or packing snow, we did what we had to do.

I don't know how we ever made it through those first couple of years. It seems so long ago - when really it isn't - but we have come a long way. 

Saturday was a fun day for us with plenty of laughter and silliness. I'm glad I went and helped, instead of staying home alone. Working together, the way we used to, reminded me of all the reasons I love my husband and why we make such a good team.

Morning

I saw the seagulls this morning circling in the early light.
As they soared above me I saw their underbellies gleaming,
As pink as the clouds that made their way across my sky.
The geese that flew away shown pink as well,
Seemingly Lit from within.
Brief and ephemeral.
But the crows that came to visit me were black as night.
And only the crows have stayed to keep me company.

Doing What I Can

Last night, before I could get my brain to 'turn off', I was thinking that there seem to be two kinds of people in this world.
The first group of people are able to see their own shortcomings and are trying to become a better person. People who are traveling the same path as I am; a path that is, hopefully, leading to better self-awareness and a more mindful existence.

The second group of people stand firm in their beliefs and will not bend and will not grow. They do not see themselves as people who are capable of making mistakes (and therefore cannot learn from them). The type of people who wait for the opportunity to scream "I'm right! I'm right! ha ha you are wrong!" They take such glee in seeing another's misfortune. These are the kind of people who scream at others in order to make their point.

The latter group are not the kind of people I want to be around. I want to be around those who are changing and evolving and learning from themselves and the world around them.

it is hard to keep yourself grounded. It is hard to be real. Every day I find myself getting caught by the old traps, getting stuck in old ways of thinking. Sometimes I find myself imagining the worst outcome before the trip has even started. But then I pull myself out, into the light, and refocus. At least I try to!

There I was, last night, having these thoughts and then this morning I check in on my favorite blogger, Jon Katz at Bedlam Farm, and find this great quote:

“No matter how scared, or tired, or ill you are; no matter how lost, or confused, or desperate you become; no matter how lonely, depressed or cranky you feel…if you just do what you can, with what you have, from right where you are, it will always be enough.”

- The Law Of Relevance,” the Universe of Mike Dooley

And that, my friends, are words to live by.

These flowers are doing all they can!