Sunday, February 24, 2013

Sunday Morning Sadness

Woke up and looked at what a beautiful morning it was and decided I had better take Minnow on a walk. She is always ready for a walk and is getting better on a leash everyday. She is going to be a good partner for me.
We headed out, not sure where we were going, but I knew that I wanted to take some pictures as the hoar frost was thick and the sky was bright and blue. We headed up to the river to see what we could see, and I was snapping pictures all along the way.
The sun was warm and my thoughts began to flow from one thing to the next. And I could hear the soundtrack to this walk start up. And the longer we walked the louder the song got and I began to sing:

Gonna sing you an old country song from the heart 
So I can cry your name and call you when I'm sad
When you have gone, run so far from me in the trees so far
Walkin' down that old country lane, drops of rain
Call upon the ones who call your name
Will I see you again and please just come on back home to me
So I'm not all alone
Gonna sing you an old country song, from the heart
From the strings of this old rusty guitar 

And the walk turned into a meditation on loss and love and how it feels to have your heart still ache three years later. I will always wonder what lesson I am supposed to be learning from Bob's death. The wounds are still so raw and I don't know that I will ever be able to move away from the pain. Why did he leave us all so suddenly and why are we still hanging on?

I cried as I walked and let the tears ease my ache. I was glad for the company of a stubborn dog who refuses my affection, but watches me vigilantly.

It is a beautiful day and while I wish I was spending it in Bobby's garage, I have to make the most of it without him.

Thursday, January 03, 2013

Inspect Yourself

I took the dogs out for a mid-afternoon walk today. I expected it to be a great time; the sun was shining, the wind wasn't too strong and temps were above seasonal. Once we got going, nothing seemed to click. The dogs were pulling in opposite directions and I was getting frustrated. Now, I know Minnow can walk well on a leash when she wants to, and PD just has to pee on every damn thing there is to pee on and yet, I found myself getting more and more irritated with them. I was barking commands at them, telling one to hurry up and the other to slow down. Poor PD was getting so confused and at one point she just stopped and wouldn't budge. Can you blame her?

She stopped and looked at me and said I needed to figure things out; that I was the human and why was I making this so difficult? Couldn't I get my shit together? She was right. This was my problem, not theirs. So I took a deep breath and thought about how I wanted things to work. I needed to change my attitude if I wanted things to happen differently. Emotionally, I started this walk over. I was consistent with my expectations of Minnow and gave her clear directions. I praised PD for being such a good walker. Before I knew it I had a dog on either side of me walking perfectly. Minnow is getting it, but needs consistent reminding (and no squirrels to chase).

As with most things, I find that I need to inspect myself when I am becoming frustrated. It took me a long time (along with a fantastic therapist) to learn that lesson. I really need to put it into use more often. It is a good thing that I still have a fantastic therapist - Peter the Dog!

Happy 2013 to my loyal blog readers (I'm looking at you dad!)! One of my New Year's resolutions was to be more consistent in blogging, no more excuses. Expect to see many more entries popping up - I hope at least some of them are thought provoking!