Thursday, April 28, 2016

Good night.

I have always struggled with sleep. Struggled to fall asleep, stay asleep and to not have night terrors. Over time it's gotten better, I have developed a strategy to quiet my racing thoughts. Different things depending on my mental state; I might imagine a peaceful scene, or listen to my breath or silently chant the hare krishna.
The last few nights an old and painful memory from my childhood has been creeping in to derail my brain train. I tried to envision things that brought me light; the sweet blue flowers outside my window, a golden meadow that stretched out before me but nothing seemed to push the darkness out. As I lay there in the dark I realized that if I only opened my eyes I would see my greatest source of light - my darling husband. His light has lit a path for me to be able to do the hard work of working on myself. He has been my greatest comfort and my biggest motivator.
So I opened them and there before me was a pillow! With his arm wedged under it, the pillow rose between us. It gave me a smile and I pushed it down and saw him sleeping peacefully. What worries could I have as I reached to hold his hand? The past is in the past. I am here now, loved and loving, snuggled in with my best friend and our dogs and all is well.

Edited to add: I had this written last night and managed to delete it. Sad lesson learned about saving my work in progress.

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